I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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