The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
