I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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