Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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