I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
