your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Sorry about my life...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
