You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
