her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
