You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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