my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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