I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
