I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
