I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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