when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
