I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
They left me at home... I'm a liability
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
