two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
