What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
