When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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