A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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