i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
