i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
