the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
