if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
