i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I enjoy the company of your penis
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
