i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
