im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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