The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
