she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I woke up under a house in Key West
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