Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
