What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
