Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
