I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Farmville is her only friend.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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