i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
