i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
