So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Barsexuality is the new black.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
