Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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