y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
