ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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