I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
