I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Randomize
