Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
