When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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