Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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