Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
