I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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