the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
