Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
