so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
