I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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