Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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